A MAGICAL LIGHT DISPLAY + RETIREMENT PARTY

We told her that you can't touch baby's head, only baby's feet.  That's what makes this picture even more hilarious:)

And suddenly, there was LIGHT!

I gave my sister this Thoreau onesie when she was pregnant with her first. 

I started writing this post on New Year's Eve, but am just now getting around to finishing it.  Under two weeks to write a post.  A new record:)

I'm sitting here in the comfy armchair at my brother's house next to their beautifully lit tree, complete with hand drawn gingerbread ornaments on brown paper with green jewels for their noses, listening to Everly's cousins playing upstairs.  I can hear the plodding of little feet on the floorboards above  and then a loud thump followed by a piercing cry.  As my sister rushes upstairs, I hold my breath until I hear her console one of the kids and know everything is ok.

With all the noise, I use my free hand to put "earmuffs" over Everly's exposed ear.  She has recently become more aware of her surroundings and is easily distracted while eating. She also demands that I do nothing except stare at her while nursing.  I can't complain, though.  It's our special time, and I take a deep breath before each nursing session, willing her to focus on the task at hand and not get lured away just yet by the amazing world around her.

I can hear my mom and brother having a side conversation as he prepares to head outside to work on his light display. Over the years, he's become the epitome of Clark Griswold.  Lights set to a radio station, life sized Santa dancing in the yard, and a snow machine he made himself.  All to enhance our holiday spirit.  Which it does.  He tirelessly works each holiday season to make it the most memorable event for the kids.  And the adults have the side benefit of enjoying the magic of it all, too.

A mere hour before all this, we were throwing a surprise retirement party for my dad.  Having only started planning it the night before, I think it turned out pretty good.  Before, he had access to a HUGE printer and would make us the coolest posters for our birthdays with our faces on them.  No family gathering was complete without one of these posters.  I found a way to inexpensively print something similar for him from FedEx.  It wasn't in color and didn't have all the fancy detail his did, but it was a nice sentiment.  The poster was surrounded by drawings all the grandkids made for him.  Hiding behind the chairs, they jumped out and yelled "happy retirement" when he walked in.  40+ years at the same company is almost unheard of now.  I think it speaks to our changing society and how loyalty is not being honored the same way it was in the past.  It's sad, but it's what makes his experience that much more admirable.  Growing up, I remember my dad having to leave on work trips.  He'd travel to these faraway places that he had to show me on a globe.  My little mind didn't really think about where he was going.  I just waited eagerly for him to return.  And he never came home empty handed.  There were puzzles from Japan, a box of polished rocks from I don't know where, and then the crown jewels, VHS tapes of my favorite movies.  I still remember begging for Jurassic Park while he was gone and being overjoyed when he came home at the end of the week with a copy for me.  After all these years, though, I finally realize that the real gift was him working so hard in order to provide a happy life for us.  I hope we were able to show him, even if just a smidgen, how much we truly appreciated all the long hours he put in at the office while still managing to make it to cheer us on at every basketball/tennis/baseball/volleyball game.

Everly is snoozing on my shoulder now.  Passed out in a milk coma.  I carry her into the kitchen to get some water.  I can see my brother and nephew in the backyard throwing things into the fire pit in anticipation of the next activity--making a huge fire.  My mom informs me that after the retirement party, light display countdown, and fire watching, we just have to do the parade, open a few other gifts, and then can do the adult gift card exchange.  I start chuckling.  Why don't we tack on a ping pong tournament and pie eating contest to round out the night?  

The fire billows up in the next second and we all ooh and ahh. And as quickly as the fire reached towards the sky, the kids equip themselves with toy instruments. They line up, and we play our parts as either parade follower or picture taker.  As they sing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" at the top of their lungs, I am amazed at how such a simple "parade" can bring us all so much joy.  I imagine Everly traipsing around after them next year and can't fathom her toddling around.

I know why my brother works so hard to create this magical world for the kids.  They're growing up right before our eyes and soon they won't be impressed by my brother dressing up as Olaf or want to parade around the house just because.  It's like he's filling their little heads with dances of sugar plum fairies and lights as far as the eye can see so that these feelings of wonderment stay in their hearts forever.

And I know all his hard work won't be in vain, because these moments have already left a permanent impression on my heart.

EVERLY RAE: TWO MONTHS

Well, technically Everly is 3 months old now (almost 4 really), but I think I'll just do these monthly reviews at the end of the month so that I capture everything she did in that monthly window.

Two months was a HUGE month for her!  She grew by leaps and bounds and has really become her own little person.  She is no longer that little newborn blob who just stared at us without much expression.  Now she's able to show us when she's happy with her sweet smile.  Her first real smile emerged when she was about 6 weeks old.  My mom and I had just tried to go to a craft fair, but it was too windy and dusty to take her out, so we went to the next best place....Target!

After feeding her in the car, my mom was burping her and making funny faces.  Her little face just lit up instantly!  It was such a special moment.

After that day, she couldn't help but smile at anyone who would lock eyes with her.  She also started following us around the room with her eyes, almost daring us not to smile back at her,  It really felt like this month she was engaging with us and wanted to be in on the action.

We've also started to be able to discern her different cries and are starting to figure out when she's trying to manipulate us into doing what she wants vs. when she really needs something.   Must be an innate sense in babies to con their parents from birth.

The best part of my day is when I wake her up in the morning.  She sleeps in a sleep sack, so she looks like a little burrito.  When I pull off the velcro, her arms instantly spring up over her head to stretch.  Then she gives me the BIGGEST toothless grin, and I scoop her up because I can't stand not cuddling her for one more instant.

Another big milestone this month is that she started grabbing things.  I first noticed it when she was in her little chair that has rings on the front.  I came to get her and saw that she was holding one of the rings.  Over the weeks, she's gotten increasingly more interested in little toys.

We had our first date night during this time, too!  We were gone for a whopping 2.5 hours.  It was nice to get out, but we couldn't wait to get home to see her.  She didn't give us the time of day when we first walked in the door, but Wade got her giggling a few minutes later.  Her first laughing session!  She hasn't giggled too much since, but I know more is just around the corner.

First Thanksgiving!  Everly was so jazzed up about family being in her house that she didn't take a nap all day.  Even once everyone had left, she couldn't stop "talking" about her day.  I just can't get enough of our little "conversations".

 

MERRY AND BRIGHT

Oh, when Everly smiles, it's the cutest thing in the world!  But it can be hard to coax a little grin out of her sometimes.  We worked pretty hard on it Christmas Eve and were rewarded with a few gems.  More often, though, she furrowed her brows at us as if she was asking what in the world we were doing.

Christmas Eve started with me running out trying to buy one last present for Wade and coming home to a crying baby who was alerting me it was past her feeding time.  The day felt rushed, and I got overwhelmed quickly.  I pretty much just threw up my hands at everything when the fancy wrapping paper I bought shed glitter ALL over the table.  What a mess.

So I went upstairs to change into my slightly nicer outfit for the night, only to look into the mirror and think to myself, "I look like a chubby Catholic school girl".  No offense to Catholic school uniforms, but for someone in their 30s trying to lose the baby weight, it was enough to push me over the edge.  I called my mom crying and just wanted to scrap the whole night and watch TV.

But then my parents got there and my aunt arrived, and the holiday spirit came ringing through the house.  We started laughing and taking pictures, and I thought how thankful I was that I didn't let the stress of the day ruin Everly's first Christmas Eve.  Really, how thankful I was that I had family that was able to lift my mood and make everything ok.

We had a lazy morning today.  We're going to my parent's tonight to join my brother's family for an encore of Christmas morning tomorrow.  I love the presentation of gifts--the wrapping paper, the pretty bows, but this year with Everly, we just didn't have time to do all the wrapping for each other.  So when Wade and I exchanged our gifts today, I had a box and he had a bag we just refilled with our little gifts.  It was like the Mary Poppin's bottomless bag!  It definitely made things easier.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you!  Wishing you a day full of merriment and love!

UNCLICKING THE PAUSE BUTTON

 Everly is wailing in the back seat as I start driving home from my last, glorious day of maternity leave.  I look in the rear view mirror to see my little 12 week old, her face all scrunched up and red with anger and left eye matted partially shut with gunk that builds up when she cries.  That's when my tears start flowing and before I know it, we're both ugly crying in the car as "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" plays on the radio.

Everly calms down as the car gains speed and she's lulled to sleep by the motion.  I, on the other hand, keep crying.  Only now, I'm trying to muffle my sobs so as not to wake her.  The day I had been dreading had arrived.  It was like for the past 12 weeks I had clicked the pause button on any responsibilities outside of keeping this little human alive (which seemed daunting enough).  And I liked it this way.  I didn't want to unclick the pause button and have to resume my normal work activities.

Maybe I didn't get tired of staying at home because there was an end date, so I knew I needed to soak up all the precious time we had together during the week.  I really think, though, that I could stay at home full time.  In fact, I would love to.  Lazy mornings in our pjs and afternoon outings with my mom.  Sounds way better than trying to cram in quality time for a few hours at night.  I did not understand the guilt and sadness working moms experience until I had to kiss Everly goodbye last week after I nursed her and she had already drifted back off to sleep.

Instead of taking a nap myself, I threw on the one pair of pants that fit me and rushed off to work since I was already running late.  My mind was fuzzy as I tried to remember my computer password and worried about where I would pump.  That first day, I pumped in a large conference room and sat at the head of the 12 person table, feeling like anything but a powerful career woman.

Today is Everly's 3 month birthday.  I opened the app that tells me what my baby should be doing week by week, and it happily announced that my baby was no longer a newborn.  The tears started flowing again, because my little squishy baby was entering infantdom and I suddenly felt my pictures and videos of her so tiny were lacking.  Enter more mom guilt.

Wade brought her to me over lunch today, and I nursed her in the car of a Walmart parking lot.  We ate Subway sandwiches, and I watched her big cheeks seem to get impossibly bigger and cuter as she ate.  (Sidenote: she seems so satisfied when I nurse her, but I don't get as much milk when I pump.  Any advice for pumping?  Have you tried any of the Fenugreek products?)  We watched as a woman parked her 1992 Nissan minivan across the way from us and proceeded to put a club on her steering wheel.  She still nervously looked back at her car as she walked towards the store.  Wade laughed harder than I've heard him laugh in weeks.  Must have been some pretty precious cargo in there.

It's not all bad.  The people I work with are nice and understanding.  It just seems strange that we undergo this huge life change by bringing another tiny human into our family and then are expected to go back to "normal" after a few months.  That reality doesn't exist anymore.  Now, there is this new world that is so much better and more challenging because she is here.  I still struggle with how much weight is placed upon women's shoulders.  We're expected to nurture the babies, be a cutthroat career woman, fit back into our pre-pregnancy jeans, and also fit in time for date nights.  We're expected to be all things to everybody, and it's exhausting.  I don't think it would be that different if I stayed at home, though.  Stay at home moms have just as much on their plate, and I'm sure I would have added pressure to become a great cook.  Wade has been staying home with Everly the past week, and he agrees that staying home is its own job.  Except the boss is tiny and unreasonable.

I know that there is no perfect solution and that it will get easier.  Life keeps rolling along, and there is so much to look forward to.  I may be late posting her 2 and 3 month updates, but they will get done eventually.  She is changing every day, and I don't want to miss capturing how she is right now.

I guess the one bright spot is that I may get out of changing so many dirty diapers.  Even though I think her poop smells like popcorn.  Must be a mother hormone so that I don't get disgusted by my baby:)  Who could not love everything about this sweet face?

THANKSGIVING 2015

It was this little turkey's first Thanksgiving!  And boy was she excited!  All dressed up in the plaid jumper my mom sewed her and the turkey headband I quickly made before everyone arrived, she spent the day wide awake and loving all the commotion in the house.

It was our first time hosting Thanksgiving, which made it even more special.    Wade is great in the kitchen.  Unfortunately, my culinary skills are quite lacking.  I can follow a recipe on a box, but nothing ever seems to turn out and I have zero desire to get any better.  I do love food, though!  So luckily for me, my mom and Wade came to the rescue.

Wade made a rotisserie turkey on the grill, which turned out fantastic.  I peeled some potatoes and that was about it.  Taking care of the baby was a good excuse to bow out of the kitchen gracefully.

It was my mom who really came to the rescue.  She brought over pretty much everything.  All the sweet potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, etc.  All those favorites that taste like Thanksgiving.  Only doing a small part of the meal, I'm embarrassed to say that I never was much help to her in the past.  I had a vague notion of what went into the prepping of such a big meal, but really no clue how hard it really was.  My fondest memories of Thanksgiving from when I was a kid were waking up to the smell of turkey in the oven and walking downstairs to find my mom telling my dad he was putting too much brown sugar in the sweet potatoes (but Dad always made them just right--extra sweet:).  Then magically the meal would appear, and we would all stuff our faces and then retire to watch TV.  As I've gotten older, I'm realizing more than ever how my mom is the backbone of the family.  She always works so hard to make things special and nice for us without asking anything in return.  Thank you, Mom, for all your hard work!  I promise I'll help you more:)

This year my brother and sister were with their in-laws, but we'll get to see them for Christmas.  I'm sure Everly enjoyed getting all this special attention as the only kid, but she'll also love watching her cousins run around the house.

During dinner we went around the table and said what we were thankful for.  It was no surprise that Wade and I said Everly.  I still feel like pinching myself when I look at her to make sure she's really here, and I'm not just dreaming.  Even when she screams and gives us that big pouty face, I'm so grateful for her.  And grateful for my mom who thought she was getting a break this year coming to my house, but ended up still working so hard.  I owe her an ice cream date:)

Hope you had a wonderful weekend!

EVERLY RAE'S BIRTH STORY

I was due in 4 days, just shy of 40 weeks, but when I woke up with a start early that morning, I knew that the day I had been anxiously awaiting for months had finally arrived.  We had taken the birthing  class, washed all the tiny clothes that I thought would be way too small, and cleaned the house (mostly).  But this being my first baby, I thought for sure I would be late and still have another weekend to really finish everything.

The day before was Labor Day.  I hadn't slept well and was extremely irritable the whole day.  Luckily I had forced myself to run those errands I had been putting off for weeks.  I waddled around Target and picked up groceries and other items I had read I would need postpartum.  The cashier asked if this was my last shopping trip before the baby came, and I laughed because I was sure I'd be back again later in the week stocking up on more necessities.

We were running late driving over to my parent's to meet them for dinner.  My mom texted and asked if I felt ok, perhaps already having a premonition that I was in pre-labor.  We finally made it and headed to Texas Roadhouse for one final hurrah before a baby would make our leisurely meals more difficult.  I was in a terrible mood, but I'm so glad my parents took this picture of us that night.  This is the last picture of us before baby.

 
I went to sleep that night and then woke up around 6am to a pain in my stomach.  It felt like a cramp, and I had a passing thought, wondering if this was it.  I couldn't fall back asleep, so I watched a little TV and tried to dose, but was conscious of the cramping in my stomach.  I decided not to go in to work and told Wade to stick by his phone.  About 9am, I called my mom and told her it was happening!  My contractions were about 5-6 minutes apart and while they were getting more intense, they were not bad yet.  I remember thinking that this was going to be a piece of cake.  Oh, how naive I was.  I took a shower, finished packing my bag, and told Wade to come home in an hour or two.

Around 11am I had a strange sensation and felt like my water had broken.  It wasn't a gush of water and didn't even soak my pants.  It was just a feeling I had.  That feeling, coupled with my contractions coming less than 5 minutes apart made me want to head to the hospital ASAP.  I ate a sandwich and loaded up on water and snacks since I was told I wouldn't be able to eat once I was checked in to the hospital.

Wade came home and asked me if I was for sure in labor.  I was so offended, but worried that maybe I really wasn't and we would get sent home.  The fear of having to go through with labor without an epidural, though, was motivation enough for me to risk embarrassment of being sent home.  The only part of the main house that we hadn't cleaned was the dining room table.  It was covered with papers, baby stuff, and other odds and ends.  I could not leave the house without cleaning that table, because the idea of coming home with our new baby to that mess pissed me off.  Needless to say, Wade wasn't too jazzed about my timing for cleanliness.  We squabbled over it for a few minutes until he finally just took a huge box and shoved everything into it in a huff.  Then he threw the box in the garage.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Good enough for me!  We were off!

We got to the hospital around noon and I went to get checked out.  I was only dilated to 1cm (wah, wah), and the nurse didn't believe I was in active labor since I wasn't crying through each contraction.  I told her that I thought my water had broken and she kind of smirked at me and said she would do a test just to make sure but that it was unlikely my water had really broken.  We walked around the halls for about an hour to see if I would progress.  I didn't.  She was ready to send us home, but I asked her what the results of my water breaking test were.  She went out to check and came back saying that my water had indeed broken so we would be checking in to the hospital!  Honestly, I was pretty annoyed with this nurse.  She had acted so cavalier about everything and wasn't really listening to me.  I get that she sees this happening all the time, but this was my first baby.  It just reinforced that sometimes you have to be your own health advocate.  You know your body the best.

Once I knew I was getting checked in to the hospital, the reality of the fact that I was having a baby that day hit me.  Of course I was excited to meet my baby girl, but at that moment I was very scared and was on the verge of a panic attack.  A trio of nurses tried to put in my IV and only had luck after a few tries.  I hate needles anyway, but how much they were talking about my veins and having to "float the needle to the vein" really grossed me out.  I was a blubbering mess and could hear the nurse ask Wade if I was usually like this.  If I could have talked through my sobbing at that point, I would have yelled at her to have a little compassion--that I was just a bit overwhelmed at the moment.  Geez!  What do they expect?  Women to just be all easy going about everything when they're about to push a basketball out of a hole measured in centimeters?  The logistics still didn't make sense to me.

So once the IV was in, we went to the birthing room.  My mom was already in the room, and I ran over to hug her.  I love my husband so much, but there is nothing better than having your mom there to tell you everything is going to be ok.  We talked about it just being Wade and me in the birthing room, but I was so nervous about labor that we asked my mom to be there, too.  I'm so glad we did, because it was wonderful to have her calming presence there.  They let me eat a little more before they cut me off since I was still only dilated to 1cm and assumed I had a long road ahead of me.  At that point, the contractions were only about 3-4 minutes apart and getting more intense.  My dad came by the room a little later and then my brother, sister-in-law, nephew, and niece a little after that.  It was so fun to have them there and see their excitement.  My happiness started to wear off pretty quick, though, as the contractions got more intense.  Now it was about 5pm, and I was crying through each contraction.  The nurse checked me, and I was still only dilated to a 1.  How could that be?!!  Regardless, I wanted the epidural NOW!  The nurse tried to persuade me to sit on the birthing ball or stand in the shower.  Nope.  Epidural time.

The guy with the juice came in a little later.  Boy was I glad to see him.  The problem was that my contractions were every 2.5 minutes now so it was really hard to sit still.  The mean nurse told me that getting an epidural was elective, so if I couldn't sit still they would not try.  That scared me enough to force myself to be as still as possible.  Getting the epidural didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.  It was more the idea of a needle in my back that was unsettling.  After that wonderful concoction streamed through my system, though, it was worth it.  I felt immediately relaxed and relieved to have a break from the pain.  I think it was about 7pm by this time.  I took a little nap and Wade and my mom settled in for a long night since the nurse thought I wouldn't be ready to push until the next day.

A new nurse came in a few hours later and checked me.  I was already at 9.5cm!  We were all shocked!  It was about time for the main event.  I started pushing about 10-10:30pm.  I was happy that I could still feel the pressure of the contractions so that I could push well, but there wasn't any pain along with them.  Being pretty modest, I had told Wade to stay up near my head and to not look "down there".  When you're in the war zone, though, anything goes.  The nurse had Wade holding a leg and flipping me over.  After about an hour of pushing, the nurse said to stop since she could see the baby's head.  She hit a big blue button and a football team of people came swarming in.  The doctor got in position, and I kept pushing.  And suddenly I heard, "here she comes!"  The cord was slightly wrapped around her neck, but the doctor scooped her out and laid her on my chest at 11:46pm.  Through every push, I closed my eyes, because I was scared about seeing the blood and everyone staring at me.  When they put her on me, though, I couldn't take my eyes off of her.  My baby girl was here. Her eyes were wide open and staring straight into mine.  And her little hand wrapped instinctively around my finger.  Everyone else fell away.  I know people were still milling about and things were still happening down there, but it was all in the hazy background.

Everyone said how I would love her instantly, but I didn't anticipate how all consuming that love would be.  It was a tidal wave of emotion that came over me as I cried and held her close.  She was here, she was healthy, and she was mine.

All the worry that had plagued our minds--would she be healthy? would a boy pop out and have to live in a peach room? would we know how to take care of her?--all those thoughts wafted away when I met our sweet Everly Rae.  I was her mom.  She was my daughter.  It was so simple, yet utterly life altering.  Seeing Wade hold his little girl was magical.  I said a little prayer and thanked God.  Birth is truly a miracle.  I've tried my best to put into words that moment when our eyes locked, but nothing seems to be able to capture it quite right.  I guess as corny as it sounds, it was pure love and gratefulness for this little life that changed our lives in the biggest way.

 

DEAR EVERLY: 6 WEEKS OLD

Dear Everly Rae,

I've been wanting to write a letter to you for weeks now.  It was supposed to be for your one month birthday, but you're already six weeks old!  How has the time passed so quickly yet also stood still as I watch your tiny fingers clutch onto my shirt when I hold you?

You are the sweetest, most beautiful baby.  I may be a little biased, but your dad and I just can't stop staring at you.  Every little whimper, each time you open your eyes, they all seem to be the most magical moments that we have to capture to remember always.

When we brought you home for the first time, we walked you around your new room.  I made Gigi and your dad take a video of me showing you around your room--all the things we lovingly painted and added to your room to make it yours.  I had a grand vision that I would talk about each piece of furniture and where we found it, how Gigi and I had painted the dresser the perfect shade of coral (and then your dad had come in when we were done to give it one final coat:), how I had rocked in that glider Gigi reupholstered as I made your headbands (and a few matching ones for myself), and how I had already imagined you playing on the green carpet in the middle of the room as I looked on.

All of this I wanted to share with you so that you would know how much we loved you and thought about you before you were even in our arms.  How we wanted to create the most whimsical and loving space for you to grow up in.  And how we painstakingly worked on each detail of the room since we didn't know what else to do with ourselves as we waited for you to make your grand entrance.

But I couldn't tell you any of that in the video.  Instead, I cried through the whole thing, because even thinking about the words turned me into a blubbering mess.  I was so overcome with emotion that you were actually here now!  In your room!  With us!  I was literally so happy I couldn't speak and could only cry out of joy.

 So much has happened since that first day home.  Your first bath (which you cried all the way through), meeting your cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, your first smile (!), and more hours of cuddle time than I can count,  Those late night feedings are the toughest, but when I look back on them I'll always remember you dad bringing you to me at 2am, me thinking it can't possibly be time to feed you again, and your dad talking with me as I nursed you.  All of us sleepy in that dimly lit room, trying to stay awake while you fed.  We talked about the past a lot.  Things we used to do before you.  Memories from when we were dating.  But then we'd always start talking about the future--all the adventures we plan to do with you and the things we're looking forward to you experiencing for the first time.

I've cried as you've cried as I try to figure this whole motherhood thing out.  It's hard knowing what you want all the time, but you make it so easy to love you, and I will never stop trying to figure out what makes you happy and keeps you safe.

You have filled our lives with more love and happiness than I could ever tell you.

I'm so lucky I get to be your mom and you're my daughter.

You are so significant and loved, sweet girl.  Our beautiful Everly Rae.

Love,

Mom