THE OTHER SIDE OF 40 WEEKS

When I was pregnant, 40 weeks was my finish line.  My end goal that drove me through each nausea-filled day.  I was simultaneously impatiently rushing head first to last September, while also dragging my feet as the clock pulled me along with each passing minute.

On the one hand, I couldn't wait for the 40 weeks to be over: I'd feel like me again, get to eat/drink whatever I wanted, and most importantly, I'd get to meet my little girl.

But on the other hand, life as I knew it was changing.  Forever.  There were no take backsies or redoes.  This change was permanent.  What an amazing reason for my world to change, but still, I fretted each day as to how I would handle this wonderful and imminent disruption.

Just shy of 40 weeks, I wasn't left to wonder anymore.  I dug my heels in harder as the pangs of labor began to intensify.  But as I pushed Everly into the world, I realized I was also pushing myself to assume this new role.  My mom told me the next day that she saw me become a mother as I held Everly for the first time.  That sweet observation from someone whose opinion I value so highly has remained with me.  Sometimes you need others to believe in you so much that you begin to believe in yourself.  To let the confidence work its way from the outside in.

And all of a sudden, it seems, another 40 weeks has passed.

But this side of 40 weeks looks so much different.

These 40 weeks weren't spent anticipating, they were spent experiencing.  I wasn't focused on an end date, I was focused on each day, each moment within these 40 weeks.  I spent these 40 weeks memorizing a face, figuring out how to make a new little human feel happy and safe, how to make my current self feel happy and safe, how to be more patient, that it's ok to feel like crying, that it's ok to cry.

These first 40 weeks of Everly's life were the best 40 weeks of my life. 

And you know what's funny?  Now I find myself digging in my heels all over again.  Not because I'm scared this time, but because I want to stay in these moments a while longer.  I can feel the passage of time pulling us forward.  It's causing Everly to grow soft strands of hair that barely cover her bald head, to grow a little (sassy) personality, to grow up. 

I was surprised to see the app on my phone tell me Everly was now a whopping 40 weeks.  I hadn't counted anything in weeks for a while.  No more how many weeks pregnant are you or how many weeks old is she.  Instead of it being a day marked with fanfare, it passed just like any other wonderfully ordinary day.  It did make me stop for a moment, though, and think back on how far we both had come and how much there is to look forward to....with no end goal in mind.

FIRST MOTHER'S DAY

Ah, Mother's Day.  That one day a year where moms everywhere get to sleep in as late as they please and leisurely go about their day, right?  Right??

Alas, the bubble I had been living in the weeks leading up to Mother's Day quickly burst when Wade and I found ourselves spending multiple hours (ack!!) trying to get Everly to take an afternoon nap....so we could take naps.  The day had started out fairly close to my expectations...

Wake up leisurely to the smell of breakfast in bed.  Ok.  I still had to get up early to feed Everly, but she did nod off again for a little bit, which was nice.  And there were pancakes.  Good ol' Mickey D's hotcakes, which were delicious.

Arrive at church early enough to give my mom her special flower.  I had envisioned arriving early to church to give my mom her lily for her to wear, but characteristic for us, we were 10 minutes late.  This lily corsage is a tradition my grandpa started many years ago.  I'm not even sure exactly when it began, but I have memories of the doorbell ringing each Mother's Day before church and then my mom walking back into the kitchen with a beautiful smile and a beautiful flower pinned to her shirt.  It was a quick delivery on his way to his own church service, but it started the day with such love.  The first Mother's Day after my grandpa passed away, I noticed there wasn't a lily pinned to her sweater as in years past.  It was another raw reminder of the void he had left.  The next year, I went to the store a few days before Mother's Day and picked out a lily corsage for my mom.  I've been doing it every year since.  This year I even picked up one for myself:)

So while I didn't get it to her early, at least we were able to be twinsies for a few pictures.

Enjoy a picnic lunch of KFC.  If mom isn't supposed to be burdened with cooking, what do you do?  Cook ourselves?  No way.  Grab some KFC and eat outside is the best idea.  It was raining, though, so we enjoyed our KFC inside.  Everly was pretty fussy, and I complained to my mom how I had started to realize how moms don't really get a break, even on Mother's Day....while she was busy clearing the dishes herself and getting me more water.  The irony wasn't lost on me:)

We used to sneak into my parent's room and pilfer through my mom's drawers and then wrap up her old scarves and jewelry as her Mother's Day "gift".  She always acted surprised, but I'm sure it just added another thing to her to do list: put away all the crap my kids took out of my drawers.

I have to say that Everly is already proving to be a good little gift giver.  She (and Wade) gave me this awesome jogging stroller!  Now I'm going to be able to run everywhere with my little babe by my side and all that baby weight will come melting off, right?  Right??  Or is that another motherhood delusion?

The day before we went to see my little niece shake her booty in her first dance recital.  She was A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E.  We went back to my brother's house afterwards for a pre-Mother's Day celebration and also to see their new tree house.  This is far from the one we had as kids, though.  It's got a roof, patio that multiple adults can stand on, two levels, a slide, and POWER!  Yep, they should rent that thing out through Airbnb.

Yep, we're both wearing golden pineapples.  If being a twinkie with your baby is wrong, I don't want to be right:)

Seeing the love between Everly and her cousins melts my heart.  I remember when these little tykes were babies and now they're playing with my baby.  It's very surreal and wonderful.

I'm so lucky.

EVERLY RAE: 4 - 5 - 6 MONTHS OLD

I'm still playing catch up with Everly's monthly posts.  Typically, the day before she turns one month older I scramble for the camera, put a sticker on her and pat myself on the back that at least I captured her in the rocking chair, with her kangaroo, while she was legitimately in that age category.  While she was 6 months old, I scribbled notes here and there about what she had been doing during months 4 and 5, certain that I would get caught up.  But....then the 8th of the month rolled around again and surprise, surprise I still hadn't posted them.

I think about these posts all the time, but never make them a top priority.  When you're in it, you think you'll never be able to forget how her hot milk breath smells against your cheek as she falls asleep, but then suddenly you lose track of the time and other precious memories start clouding the previous ones that had been front and center. (By the way, they need to make a scratch 'n sniff sticker with that scent--baby milk breath (TM)--moms would go nutso for it.  Yep, I just trademarked it so don't get any ideas:)

So it's time to get stuff done.  And today's the day!  After a bunch of flip flopping, I've decided to combine months 4, 5, and 6 into one post.  One long, but manageable post so that once it's done I'll be able to stop fretting about my lack of record keeping and can get back to giving Everly zerbert kisses that make her squeal in delight.

4 MONTHS

Poor Everly.  We have been those parents who equate cutting our baby's fingernails with some terribly difficult and potentially traumatizing act.  Her fingers are SO tiny, though!  How are we supposed to trim them when nurses don't even want to take it on?  So we let them grow and grow...and grow.  We shouldn't have been surprised when they turned into little talons, only getting sharper every time she dug her nails into our skin, secured her grip, and clawed us.  Every night after nursing her, my chest would look I had gotten in a skirmish with a cat, except that skirmish was really just Everly exploring her world through her claws, oh I'm sorry, I mean hands:)  She even drew blood when she scratched my mom and dad's hands.  I'm not proud of it, but it did provide us the wake up call to trim her nails.  We ended up clipping one of her little fingers, but she didn't seem to notice.  It was more of an emotional drain on us.  If anyone has a better way to clip baby nails, I'm all ears.

After her 4 month check up, the doctor said we could start her on solids.  I over analyzed this whole process.  We had just figured out a smooth routine for her milk intake and now things had to change again.  After a lot of questions and help from friends (thanks Devon!!), we took the plunge....and then quickly retreated.  We started with the standard rice cereal.  A very very thin consistency the first night, which went ok.  But then we made it thicker the next day and that's when everything went downhill.  Our normally awesome sleeper would just start screaming when we put her in her crib.  We decided to switch to sweet potatoes the next day, which went a little better.  But then came the green beans.  Whoo!  I realized it was a terrible idea when I laid her down that night.  Poor little thing had an awful tummy ache.  So we decided to stop the solids for a few more weeks.  It just didn't feel right when she got so upset at night, and I viewed it as her little system needing a bit more time to develop.  (We did start solids up again when she was closer to 6 months old and now she can't get enough of everything!)

4 month old Everly started rolling from her tummy to her back!  That's how much she hates tummy time and now has a way of showing us that she's in control:)

Everly started sweating to the oldies and is jumping in her little swing.  At first, she just kind of pushed herself around on her tippy toes, but she's starting to get some air now.

Whoever said babies have it easy apparently didn't think about how hard they have to work to get their milk.  I love how rosy Everly's cheeks get after she nurses.  My sweet rosy-cheeked little girl.


5 MONTHS

I love Everly's expressions in these photos.  As I'm doing my most ridiculous faces to get her to smile, she's just not having it.  Instead of crying, she just stared me down with this smirk that implied, "Really Mom?  You're making that face again?  Have a little dignity."  What she doesn't yet realize, though, is that I will never ever stop trying to make her smile, no matter how cuckoo I seem.

Spring came a little early to our neck of the woods, and we took advantage of it.  Lots of evening walks around the neighborhood and a few fun firsts, such as...her first time in a park swing and her first time at a bar.  Now before you gasp and quote the line from Sweet Home Alabama ("you brought a baby...to a bar?"), it's important to realize that this was more of an outdoor beer garden with TONS of other kids running around.  It apparently is the place for parents to bring their little ones when they want to prove to themselves that they're still hip.  It's also right along a bike trail that would be fun to explore this summer.

The best part about this age is how much she giggles!  All you have to do is start chuckling and that will set her off.  She's such a happy girl!

6 MONTHS

A LOT happened this month.  It seemed like one day I was worried about her not hitting certain milestones yet and then the next day she just started sitting up and rolling from her back to her tummy like it was no big deal.  It was a great lesson for me to take a chill pill and not worry about what the books say since she'll figure things out on her own time.

For her 6 month birthday, I wanted pictures of her on the actual day.  So I rushed home over my lunch break and started ranting to Wade how we need to take pictures of her RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  He protested a bit at first, but soon realized how strongly I felt and snapped these adorably sweet photos in about 10 minutes.  I love how they capture her at this stage.

Everly took her first road trip in March to surprise my sister for her birthday!  She slept the first hour, and my mom made a comment about how it was going to be such an easy drive.  Literally a minute after she said this, Everly woke up, screamed, and continued crying the majority of the way to Chicago.  Not exactly the relaxing trip we were hoping for.  But on the whole the trip was awesome and Everly had the best time hanging out with her cousins.  I've got a whole slew of pictures that will make their way into their own post eventually.

On our trip, Everly had her first dip in the pool.  She appeared a bit ambivalent about it and didn't convey much expression.  At least she didn't hate it.  I bet the next time we take her, she'll love it even more.

Like I mentioned above, Everly is now sitting up all by herself and loves playing with her toys on the floor.  We have hardwoods throughout the house, so got a rug for the sunroom that is quickly becoming her domain.  She's loving her new view.

She's also rolling over from her back to her tummy.  It seemed like she figured it out overnight.  She still cried when she got to her tummy (she still hates tummy time at this point) since she didn't realize she holds all the power now and can flip over any time she wants.

Everly is becoming even more aware of her surroundings.  When we eat dinner, we put her in her little jumper (which she can't get enough of).  She watches our mouths so closely and sometimes even opens and closes her mouth like she's chewing, too.  We've gotten into a routine for feeding her solids now and have been increasing the amount she gets every week.  Right now, she's eating a fruit or vegetable around lunch time (1/2 an avocado, sweet potatoes, bananas, etc.) and then some oatmeal or whole grain cereal at night.  She's really getting into her meals and makes this cute grunting noise if we aren't feeding her fast enough.

She's gotten even more ticklish as the weeks go on.  She giggles when I tickle under her arms and her chubby thighs, but really gets going when I kiss her all over her tummy.  She loves it!

She's been doing pretty well playing independently for short amounts of time.  The other week I plopped her down in front of her toys, put on a record, and sat down at my desk to craft.  That was a solid 10 minutes of sheer enjoyment--getting to craft some items for my shop while watching my sweet babe play with her toy moose.  In my mind, it doesn't get much better than that.

THE BEST PRESENT...CAPTURING THE LIFE OF A MOMENT

“This picture is missing something,” is what I often think after taking a picture.  In fact, I feel that the majority of photographs don’t truly capture the magic of a moment.  More often than not, I find myself reaching for my camera to commemorate something only to be dismayed when I check out the screen.

The resulting photo is cute and has done an admirable job, but it never seems to quite stack up against its real life counterpart.  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how our eyes are way more amazing than any camera will ever be. 

Once someone knows their picture is being taken, the moment has already passed.  But sometimes you’re just sneaky enough and able to pull the curtain back a little without anyone being the wiser. 

And you’re able to capture the life of a moment.

On a cold and wintry evening a few months back after just returning to work from maternity leave, I walked into the house and stamped my feet on the rug.  The warmth enveloped me, and all I wanted to do was take off my parka and cuddle my 3 month old.  I was worried she had already forgotten about me during the day, so I scooped her up and tried to coax a smile out of her sleepy eyes.  

I eased into the rocker and after nursing her, she fell into a deep newborn sleep on me.  As she slept, I thought how I wanted to hold on to this moment, because it reminded me that she still knew me, still depended on me, still missed me.  Even though she was getting bigger, and I was away from her more, we still felt most at peace around each other.

I didn't even realize Wade was paying much attention to all this until I saw the pictures later.  His answer was simple, "you both looked so content and the light was hitting you just right."

A few days later I quietly got out my phone and snapped this special time between Wade and Everly.  He had been so thoughtful to capture a raw and unedited moment between us that I wanted the same for him.  These are still some of my favorite pictures of  them.

We take so many photos where I’m yelling at Everly to “look over here” or “smile”, but there are few photos in which we're completely unaware and just in the moment.

Taking the time to recognize one of these moments is happening and grabbing the camera to document it is the best present he could have given me.  He made my memory tangible.

So if you’re looking for that perfect gift for someone, capture the life of one of their moments, without them asking, without them knowing.  Just be sneaky about itJ

BEAUTIFUL DREAMER: A VERY SPECIAL SONG

There's a special song that is very close to my heart.  It's the song my grandpa and I danced to at my wedding, the melody (I incorrectly thought) I listened to when I wound up my music box as a child, and the words I sung over and over to my growing belly at night.  

In my mind, I had heard the tune of "Beautiful Dreamer" play constantly through the music box my grandpa gave me one birthday.  That made it the perfect song for us to waltz to at my wedding.  My grandpa was an exceptional dancer, always going to or coming home from a dance where he wore one of his snazzy bow ties or blazers.  I was all nerves as people watched us on the dance floor that night, but my grandpa made it look like we belonged there.

The music box was lost for many years.  As I got older, I didn't think it was very cool having it on my shelf anymore.  So with the other memories of childhood, it got packed away and moved to the back of a closet.  It suddenly became important again and took on new meaning, though, when I was planning my wedding.  After a search that proved more difficult than we thought, my mom finally found it in a long forgotten hiding place.  The little blue house, with the rooms that moved to the music wouldn't play, though.  It quickly fell off my radar again.

Seven years went by.  Upon learning I was pregnant with a girl, I was brought back to all those nights of winding up my house and watching the little family inside go about their daily activities as I listened to the tink tink tink of the melody.

A few days before my baby shower, my mom gave me a gift.  It was my music box, all cleaned up and ready to play.  Apparently my little hands had over wound it years ago and all my parents had to do was loosen it a bit to get the music playing.  At first they were overjoyed, until they realized the little box was playing a tune other than the expected "Beautiful Dreamer".  And the rooms didn't spin anymore.

When I started the music box, the real melody it played came flooding back to me, as well as the realization that I had heard "Beautiful Dreamer" on my sister's musical unicorn, which I had probably stolen from her room countless times.

Originally wanting to present me with this sweet and sentimental gift from my past for my future baby at my shower, my mom was concerned I would be too disheartened that it didn't play the song that I equated with my grandpa, so she decided to give it to me early.  I was a bit disappointed and do think she made the right choice.  After thinking about it some more, though, I'm glad things played out the way they did.  If I hadn't formed the wrong connection between the music box and song it played, my grandpa and I might have picked another song to dance to that night.  And I can't think of a more perfect song to serenade us during our last dance.

While I was pregnant, I read that singing to your baby in the womb is a wonderful way to interact with her and she may even recognize the song after she's born.  The fact that Everly would associate this song with me and might remember it left me over analyzing what song to sing to my belly.  I sang a handful of songs that meant something to me, but the song I sang the most was "Beautiful Dreamer".

I have so many favorite memories of Everly and me, but the absolute closest to my heart is how she responds when I sing "Beautiful Dreamer".  Since she was born, the second I start singing the song, she quiets down and either stares at me or "sings" along.

She doesn't do this with any other song I sing her.

This one is special.

This one encompasses the memories of the past, the joys of the present, and the promises of the future.  Everly doesn't yet know how much it means to me that she connects with this song.  Sometimes I imagine my grandpa and me twirling around the dance floor as I rock Everly at night, lulling her to sleep with this sweet melody.

For me, it's a way of introducing Everly to her great-grandpa.

This past Christmas, I received another gift.  This time from Wade.  And in it was a musical carousel horse.  Can you guess what it played?

It was one of the most thoughtful gifts Wade has given me, and that's saying a lot since he's a superb gift giver.

Now Everly has two very special music boxes, and I can't wait to tell her the stories around both of them.