Friday, December 25, 2015
Oh, when Everly smiles, it's the cutest thing in the world! But it can be hard to coax a little grin out of her sometimes. We worked pretty hard on it Christmas Eve and were rewarded with a few gems. More often, though, she furrowed her brows at us as if she was asking what in the world we were doing.
Christmas Eve started with me running out trying to buy one last present for Wade and coming home to a crying baby who was alerting me it was past her feeding time. The day felt rushed, and I got overwhelmed quickly. I pretty much just threw up my hands at everything when the fancy wrapping paper I bought shed glitter ALL over the table. What a mess.
So I went upstairs to change into my slightly nicer outfit for the night, only to look into the mirror and think to myself, "I look like a chubby Catholic school girl". No offense to Catholic school uniforms, but for someone in their 30s trying to lose the baby weight, it was enough to push me over the edge. I called my mom crying and just wanted to scrap the whole night and watch TV.
But then my parents got there and my aunt arrived, and the holiday spirit came ringing through the house. We started laughing and taking pictures, and I thought how thankful I was that I didn't let the stress of the day ruin Everly's first Christmas Eve. Really, how thankful I was that I had family that was able to lift my mood and make everything ok.
We had a lazy morning today. We're going to my parent's tonight to join my brother's family for an encore of Christmas morning tomorrow. I love the presentation of gifts--the wrapping paper, the pretty bows, but this year with Everly, we just didn't have time to do all the wrapping for each other. So when Wade and I exchanged our gifts today, I had a box and he had a bag we just refilled with our little gifts. It was like the Mary Poppin's bottomless bag! It definitely made things easier.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you! Wishing you a day full of merriment and love!
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Everly calms down as the car gains speed and she's lulled to sleep by the motion. I, on the other hand, keep crying. Only now, I'm trying to muffle my sobs so as not to wake her. The day I had been dreading had arrived. It was like for the past 12 weeks I had clicked the pause button on any responsibilities outside of keeping this little human alive (which seemed daunting enough). And I liked it this way. I didn't want to unclick the pause button and have to resume my normal work activities.
Maybe I didn't get tired of staying at home because there was an end date, so I knew I needed to soak up all the precious time we had together during the week. I really think, though, that I could stay at home full time. In fact, I would love to. Lazy mornings in our pjs and afternoon outings with my mom. Sounds way better than trying to cram in quality time for a few hours at night. I did not understand the guilt and sadness working moms experience until I had to kiss Everly goodbye last week after I nursed her and she had already drifted back off to sleep.
Instead of taking a nap myself, I threw on the one pair of pants that fit me and rushed off to work since I was already running late. My mind was fuzzy as I tried to remember my computer password and worried about where I would pump. That first day, I pumped in a large conference room and sat at the head of the 12 person table, feeling like anything but a powerful career woman.
Today is Everly's 3 month birthday. I opened the app that tells me what my baby should be doing week by week, and it happily announced that my baby was no longer a newborn. The tears started flowing again, because my little squishy baby was entering infantdom and I suddenly felt my pictures and videos of her so tiny were lacking. Enter more mom guilt.
Wade brought her to me over lunch today, and I nursed her in the car of a Walmart parking lot. We ate Subway sandwiches, and I watched her big cheeks seem to get impossibly bigger and cuter as she ate. (Sidenote: she seems so satisfied when I nurse her, but I don't get as much milk when I pump. Any advice for pumping? Have you tried any of the Fenugreek products?) We watched as a woman parked her 1992 Nissan minivan across the way from us and proceeded to put a club on her steering wheel. She still nervously looked back at her car as she walked towards the store. Wade laughed harder than I've heard him laugh in weeks. Must have been some pretty precious cargo in there.
It's not all bad. The people I work with are nice and understanding. It just seems strange that we undergo this huge life change by bringing another tiny human into our family and then are expected to go back to "normal" after a few months. That reality doesn't exist anymore. Now, there is this new world that is so much better and more challenging because she is here. I still struggle with how much weight is placed upon women's shoulders. We're expected to nurture the babies, be a cutthroat career woman, fit back into our pre-pregnancy jeans, and also fit in time for date nights. We're expected to be all things to everybody, and it's exhausting. I don't think it would be that different if I stayed at home, though. Stay at home moms have just as much on their plate, and I'm sure I would have added pressure to become a great cook. Wade has been staying home with Everly the past week, and he agrees that staying home is its own job. Except the boss is tiny and unreasonable.
I know that there is no perfect solution and that it will get easier. Life keeps rolling along, and there is so much to look forward to. I may be late posting her 2 and 3 month updates, but they will get done eventually. She is changing every day, and I don't want to miss capturing how she is right now.
I guess the one bright spot is that I may get out of changing so many dirty diapers. Even though I think her poop smells like popcorn. Must be a mother hormone so that I don't get disgusted by my baby:) Who could not love everything about this sweet face?