SCATTERED

I’ve been feeling scattered lately.  Like I can’t quite put my thoughts into words, let alone coherent sentences.  Even writing those first two lines took more time than it should have.  I have moments I want to chronicle and ideas I want to write down, but when I find the time to sit at my computer, my mind goes blank. 

I’m often thinking about what Hemingway said about writing—

“There’s nothing to writing.  All you have to do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

Sounds easy enough, but it’s not working like that.  A big part of it has to do with constantly second guessing myself.  Thinking too much into every word and trying to wait for the ultimate inspiration to hit.  Sometimes, though, after wasting 15 minutes thinking about “a hook” you just have to put something down on the page. 

Wasting time.  That’s what it is.  Between spending time with Everly and doing responsible grown up things, my free time has dwindled.  I no longer have the luxury of waiting for my inspiration to strike.  Instead, I have 15 minutes after feeding Everly where she’ll play quietly by herself.  If I can’t accomplish my goal in that time slot, then it may be a few hours before I get another chance.  It’s too much pressure!  There are so many things I want to get done that instead of just doing something…anything…sometimes I squander the time by trying to beat Wade’s high score on Tetris (we are in the midst of a pretty heated battle).  Or I just snuggle Everly, which never feels like a waste of time.

It’s not all lack of time, though.  I’ve reached a kind of paralysis.  It took me two and a half weeks to write my last blog post.  I would sit down to finish it and then just stare blankly into space.  I figured I would find the words I wanted at a later time, but at some point I just had to put down what I could.  Even now I think about what else I wanted to say in that post.  Like how I found out I was pregnant with Everly last New Year’s Eve and how special it was to be cuddling her close only a year later.  You know, all these deep, philosophical thoughts on time and change. 

Last weekend, I put Everly down for a nap and started working on some headbands so I can finally take my new shop off of vacation mode.  It was like my hands didn’t work and nothing was turning out.  I kept thinking she was going to wake up at any moment so I had to complete at least one thing.  It ended up I completed three things that weren’t up to snuff.  Nothing annoys me more than spending an hour on something and having nothing to show for it. 

It reminds me of how I had trouble sleeping after Everly was born.  As she started sleeping longer stretches at night, I stopped sleeping.  It infuriated me that she would sleep 4-5 hours, and I would be awake the entire time.  I kept thinking how it was my only chance to get solid sleep, which made me too anxious so that I couldn’t fall asleep.  It was terrible. 

I know it’s just me adding this pressure to myself, though.  I’ve been trying to change my mindset over the past few weeks.  Even if I have just 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there, I can still chip away at things.  Things are different now.  More wonderful, for sure, but different.  I may not have 45 minutes to clean the bathroom or put all the clothes she’s outgrown into storage bins in her closet, but I can clean the sink one night and pack her newborn clothes away the next night.  Sure, it takes way longer to complete a task, but that’s ok.  (Let's pretend that I'm not admitting here that my bathroom is in a constant state of dirtiness.  Of course there are fresh flowers in there every morning and one of those toilet bowl tablets that turns the water blue:) Because that's how grownups keep their bathrooms, right?)  There’s nothing I really have to do except go to work and come home to snuggle my baby.  Everything else is just awesome if it gets done.  Even finishing this terribly rambling post that seems to have changed focus multiple times makes me feel better.  At least I wrote something and tried to capture my feelings at this point in time.  I'd call that a win for today! Now I just need to post Everly's 3 month photos and take her 4 month pictures before she turns 5 months in a few weeks.  Sounds pretty doable, doesn't it?  Wish me luck:)